First off, on the way to London, I read a book about the Black Plague. "What good could come out of something that wiped out a third of Europe?" you might wonder. Well, actually some surprisingly good things resulted:
* Because the plague created a labor shortage, serfs were in a better position to bargain with landowners and thereby improved their living conditions.
* A higher percentage of men died than did women. (Wait now, that's not the good part! I'm getting to it.) Since there were fewer male heirs, women were able to inherit property. Some women became quite wealthy in the process and were known as dowagers.
* Some smart and lucky peasants were able to buy land cheaply that had either been abandoned by families decimated by the plague or that had to be sold quickly to pay mounting debts. Such upward mobility created a fledgling middle class.
* Jews, who were in many areas of plague-ridden Europe accused of poisoning wells and thereby "creating" the plague, were persecuted and killed. (No, once again, this is not the good part!) They fled these regions for Poland, whose king welcomed them. There they established a vibrant culture.
* The modern-day descendants of those who contracted the plague but survived do not develop AIDS upon exposure to the HIV virus.
So, if something as horrific as the Black Plague can result in all those positive occurrences, certainly good can result from the way my life is turning.
In the eyes of the world, and certainly in the eyes of nay-sayers and pessimists, the good does not outweigh the bad. But this is narrow thinking. If life is about change, growth, and learning, then those forces that promote change, growth, and learning are those that are beneficial. And there's nothing like hardship to shake things up, force one to mature, and jumpstart learning.
Besides, so far, the whole dialysis thing--which actually won't start for another three or four weeks--has already brought about some good:
* Aaron and I have had some heart-to-heart talks about the possibility of my death and how hard it is on him to see me, year after year, getting worse, with occasional blips of improvement, followed by crashes.
* I have learned who are my true friends, as many have not contacted me, not responded to my emails or calls. Others have been quick to offer prayers, support, and kind words.
* My ex-mother-in-law, who for most of the time I've known her, somehow never thought I was good enough, always let me know that whatever I did was wrong, is now very kind to me. She has taken care of some of my mother's remaining possessions in Wisconsin, and she and I have had very pleasant phone conversations. This turn is beautiful to see.
* And once I finally leave Cal State, something I absolutely will do at the end of this semester, will be a positive move. I just know that in my bones. Cal State has treated me so shabbily for so many years. It will be such a relief to be free of that place. And dialysis is pushing that leave-taking to the forefront.
I'm sure other good things will come of this. Of course, I hope it goes without saying that this is most definitely not the path I would have preferred. I would much prefer to be completely healthy, in a wonderful relationship, living in a stunningly beautiful place, seeing my creative ventures come to life and make me a good living, traveling the world, having a vibrant circle of friends who are nearby and accessible, and living with a loving dog, and, of course, maintaining my joyous connection with my son.
But my life is changing. And with change comes growth and learning. I have moved into the final stage of Kuebler Ross's grieving process--acceptance. I accept what is to come. What other choice really does one have? Complaining gets you nowhere, so why go there?
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