A Visitation from a Long-deceased Friend

On my way out of my apartment building yesterday, I met up with the spirit of my long-deceased childhood friend--my canine companion, Taffy.

I had already gotten to my truck, then realizing I had forgotten something inside my abode, I went back to fetch it. As I walked down the stairs from the central courtyard to the sidewalk, a dog with Taffy's compassionate, brown eyes and her golden retriever-mutt coloring appeared. Her owner, a jaunty guy in his mid-30s kept smiling and saying that in all the years he had walked Brandy past this apartment building, she had never before stopped and ventured up the stairs.

As her owner carried on in this vein, so incredulous that Brandy should break habit, I stroked her soft head and petted her sides, all the while deeply touched by how adoringly she gazed at me. I told the owner of Taffy and how Brandy seemed so much like her.

I so wish I had asked if I could take their picture, but I didn't. Perhaps I'll see them again if I leave my apartment about the same time some morning.

I had the intense feeling that, not only did Brandy look and act like Taffy, but that she was Taffy, my very best friend throughout childhood, truly my only friend. If not for Taffy, I'm sure I would have not survived to adulthood. Even now I'm getting a bit teary-eyed.

It was as if Brandy were sending me the message: Heidi, you need to get a dog. You need someone who will be there for you, unconditionally, every day, who will give you such healing love, love that you need for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

I think of what my nature goddess-friend Araia, who lives in a remote corner of northeastern Washington state, said about animals taking on the illness of their owners and releasing their owners from this burden. Like the old English concept of "sin eaters," people who were hired after a death to feast and by so doing symbolically and literally "eat" the sins of the deceased. But rather than for money, the animal does this out of a pure sense of love.

I have thought about a dog for many years. Aaron is readying himself for graduate school, and he needs to feel free to move to wherever he needs to go for his education and his career. He is the only person I've ever felt completely at ease with, 100 percent accepted for who I am. I deeply need someone to love and to be loved in return, someone who will listen and not judge, a life-long companion. Of course, wouldn't it be nice if such a man appeared, but the man who is inside my head and heart and dreams perhaps does not yet exist in the outside world. Perhaps Araia's words will prove true: "Heidi, once you get a dog, you'll never think about a man again."

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It is now March 14, a week after I wrote the above. I now see this incident in a different light. The day I met up with Brandy was the day the Kaiser transplant board met and decided to reject my application. I now see Brandy as an angel with a message: "You are not alone, Heidi. You have beings who are looking out for you. We have sent this dog to you with this message of love."

I have been asking Archangel Michael to make an appearance, that it would really be wonderful to see him again. Perhaps this is how he manifested, quite a bit gentler than my first encounter.

Mid-day Exchange

Yesterday I was at the PD clinic from 8:15 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., getting lab tests, receiving training from a PD nurse, and seeing a nephrologist, a dietician, and a social worker.

Dr. Butman, my primary nephrologist, gave me a journal article on a clinical study of dialysis patients who were put on a "tidal" program, in which some fluid is left in the peritoneum after each cycle of the dialysis machine. This is the technique he is trying on me, as I continue to have severe cramping during treatment and keeping some fluid inside should prevent any rubbing of organs or of the catheter against the organs. That's the theory at least.

In turn, I gave him a copy of the book I wrote on traditional Chinese medicine. I have the feeling he will actually read it and, hopefully, it will open up his mind a bit.

Yesterday I was also hit with yet another layer to the whole dialysis thing: I now have to conduct mid-day exchanges in order to obtain better clearance of toxins. Most people are on either four one-hour exchanges per day or one one-hour and one 10-hour exchanges in a 24-hour period. I was hoping I would only have to do the nightly 10-hour treatment, but that means being dry (not having any fluid inside the peritoneum) during the day, which results in pain and a build-up of toxins during the course of the day. Keeping fluid inside all day has its problems too: The fluid is full of toxins that are re-absorbed into system if they are not drained out within eight hours, thereby defeating the whole purpose of dialysis. So...now I must be home every day around noon to conduct a mid-day exchange.

I am not happy with this situation, but I'm accepting it. Since I started dialysis on Feb. 2, I have been invited to maybe a half dozen events, all of which I have not been able to attend because I have to get hooked up to the cycler by 9:30 p.m. at the latest and some nights as early as 7. Now it will also be difficult to see friends for lunch or a daytime excursion. Basically, the only time I have available is 1-7 p.m. Not much to work with. Seems as if I will have to go out on disability if I ever hope to see anyone but my son and my doctors ever again!