Feeling So Much Better!

Only nine days ago, I was on death's door--exhausted after the least exertion, water on my lungs, feeling like I was 90 years old. Then something clicked, I know not what. I cried, and then I cried some more. And then for good measure, I did some more crying. Maybe that's what did it.

I also said to anyone who might be listening--maybe an angel, maybe a spirit guide, maybe God--"I am sooooo tired of this! All of this! Do you hear me? I am so fucking tired! If you want me to do your work, I have to be able to do the work."

I informed Dr. Lin, my young, good-looking, ever-concerned internist, "I'm not saying I'm at the point of suicide yet, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I want to be able to do things--travel, walk, make my bed. Do you understand?"

Well, somebody must have understood, and he or she listened and did something because I am feeling several orders of magnitude better.

Over the course of my life, I have had hundreds of false turning points. My blood sugar would go down and my insulin requirement would drop, and I'd think, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! My body is healing. Soon I'll be free of injections! Soon I'll be healthy and free!" Only to have the downward trend reverse until I was back to where I'd started.

But this is the longest sustained turnaround I've ever experienced. This time it's not my insulin requirement and blood sugar that have dropped. It's that I have energy once again. After more than three years of being unable to surf because of fatigue, anemia and shortness of breath, I feel I could take to the water again. I also feel like planning a trip--a trip in which I'd climb the stairs of cathedrals, stroll the whole day long through an enchanted city, and swim to sea grottos, while cavorting with the dolphins. I feel vibrant and alive again.

Thank God!