For the past, um, let’s say 26 years, Valentine’s Day has been kind of rough. Back then, I was a freshly married woman whose husband did the freshly-married-husbandly thing of showering me with cards, roses and a romantic dinner. In short, the classic—or may I say, cliché—Valentine’s Day expression of love, affection and mass marketing.
That, unfortunately, was the last time a man with whom I was romantically involved paid any attention to Feb. 14. Sure, there was the year when my friend Rob slipped a chummy valentine under my door to cheer me up. And the year when my son, then only 10 or 11, bought the red rose that he knew my then-boyfriend would not. These were sweet gestures and much appreciated, but let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is for lovers, not friends and family.
And so each year around this time, I have gone into a funk, wondering why love—or even a cheap thrill—is so elusive. Intellectual truisms that VD is just a means for card companies and florist shops to make money have proved unsatisfying. So what! I don’t mind them cashing in if only I could hit the jackpot too.
Things are different this year, I’m happy to report. I am not feeling the dread and hopelessness that I have before during the first couple weeks of February. It’s not that I’ve “given up” or that I no longer desire a relationship. It’s just that the desperation has departed.
I still hold my pillow at night as if it were the man I would love and the man who would also love me. When I embrace my “man pillow,” I get a true surge of happiness—the pillow feels good, the covers are cozy about my body, and I’m smiling widely, light with something I know not what. There’s no longer the tears that follow from thinking that this is the closest I’ve gotten in years to a relationship.
VD is a week away, but I don’t see my mood altering as the day draws nigh. Just look at how cute I am in this picture I took just moments ago. Look at the glow in those eyes, the brightness in the air about me. If some fantastic guy can’t see the beauty here, well, I guess I’ll just have to keep beaming until someone does. Until then, I’ll let my love shine out to the world—and keep hugging that huggable man pillow.
