I commented to my mother as I dropped her off this afternoon how wonderful it is that she no longer talks about her drugs. For many years, 90 percent of the time I spent conversing with her was about what drugs she's taking, how she needs more drugs, and when is she going to get the drugs. During the past year, this was often accompanied by hysteria when her drugs did not appear at precisely the right time. Even a few minutes late would send her into a tirade of frenetic behavior that I found absolutely crazy-making, like watching a heroin addict or someone who, if she had a gun in her hand, would blast everyone in sight.
For some reason, she no longer mentions her drugs. What is responsible for this shift, I do not know, but I am very grateful. I truly hated to spend time with her when she was obsessed with her narcotics. I knew that she cared nothing about what I or anyone else was saying, that she was 100 percent focused on the drugs. And it was so incredibly stressful to be with someone who was so revved up, "hyper" or "anxious" not even approaching what was her mental status.
So I praised her today for her shift, whatever its cause. And I say a prayer that her calm, her willingness to participate, and her genuineness continue to manifest. If this shift is permanent, she and I may just be able to have a relationship. Wouldn't that be something!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Getting Mom to Participate
This afternoon I picked Mom up from her assisted-living facility and took her to feed the ducks at El Dorado Park. When we arrived, she said, "I'll stay inside." I calmly told her that my entire life she had refused to participate and that was no longer going to be the case. "You can help feed the ducks, Mom," I said. And in contrast to the past half century, she didn't insist on non-participation but instead got out of the truck without a fuss.
She enjoyed herself! What a concept: You engage in life and the people in your life and you have a good time! She smiled the whole time and took special interest in ducks she felt were hungry but unable to wrestle the bread from the seagulls. I couldn't help but think how her life and my relationship with her would have been so different, had she taken an active part in what was occurring around her decades ago, instead of holding back at every opportunity and refraining from interacting with the people she was with. Might she have remarried? Might she have stayed in Wisconsin, surrounded by a tight circle of friends who would watch over each other? Might she have forged a bond with my brother? It's hard to say how participation might have altered so many things.
Perhaps as she nears the end of her life, she is becoming the person she might have been all along. Well, except for the two years she spent in Europe in the early '50s. As Aaron remarked when we were sorting through the photographs from that time, "This is the woman I would have liked to have known." During these years, she was bright-eyed and smiling, seemingly ready for an adventure at every turn.
What then changed to make her into someone who lived a separate life from her husband, even while they slept under the same roof? Someone who didn't know the most basic things about her children, like where they had worked for 20 years and what kind of work they did? Someone who, when on vacation, always stayed in camp and read the newspaper instead of going on morning hikes with the rest of her family? Someone who would walk away while I introduced her to someone? Someone who has yet to attend a Wednesday outing, though she's had more than a year of opportunities to do so?
There's no telling at this point what happened to change her approach to the world, but it seems, after 55 years of dormancy, that perhaps she is waking up again. She's not in Europe and will never be again, but perhaps she will recapture a little of the excitement for living that she obviously possessed in abundance while in Europe so very many years ago.
She enjoyed herself! What a concept: You engage in life and the people in your life and you have a good time! She smiled the whole time and took special interest in ducks she felt were hungry but unable to wrestle the bread from the seagulls. I couldn't help but think how her life and my relationship with her would have been so different, had she taken an active part in what was occurring around her decades ago, instead of holding back at every opportunity and refraining from interacting with the people she was with. Might she have remarried? Might she have stayed in Wisconsin, surrounded by a tight circle of friends who would watch over each other? Might she have forged a bond with my brother? It's hard to say how participation might have altered so many things.
Perhaps as she nears the end of her life, she is becoming the person she might have been all along. Well, except for the two years she spent in Europe in the early '50s. As Aaron remarked when we were sorting through the photographs from that time, "This is the woman I would have liked to have known." During these years, she was bright-eyed and smiling, seemingly ready for an adventure at every turn.
What then changed to make her into someone who lived a separate life from her husband, even while they slept under the same roof? Someone who didn't know the most basic things about her children, like where they had worked for 20 years and what kind of work they did? Someone who, when on vacation, always stayed in camp and read the newspaper instead of going on morning hikes with the rest of her family? Someone who would walk away while I introduced her to someone? Someone who has yet to attend a Wednesday outing, though she's had more than a year of opportunities to do so?
There's no telling at this point what happened to change her approach to the world, but it seems, after 55 years of dormancy, that perhaps she is waking up again. She's not in Europe and will never be again, but perhaps she will recapture a little of the excitement for living that she obviously possessed in abundance while in Europe so very many years ago.
Obama's Special Olympics Joke
I didn't watch "The Tonight Show" when the president made an appearance as I don't have a TV on which to watch it. I did, however, listen to the footage of his Special Olympics joke.
Obama had gotten a bowling score of 129, pretty awful. The audience cheered, and Jay Leno told him how good that was--the kind of patronizing approval often given to people with disabilities. And then the president called his own skills "Special Olympics."
I read some of the comments posted on YouTube and realized that boy, do we have a long way to go before people with physical or developmental disabilities are considered on par with the able-bodied.
What I would ask the president and all those who found his joke not a big deal to do is to substitute their own sensitivity into his joke. That is, if you are a woman and he would have said that he bowled like a woman, would you have been offended? What if he would have said he bowled as poorly as a senior citizen or a Latino or an Asian or a gay man?
Obama had gotten a bowling score of 129, pretty awful. The audience cheered, and Jay Leno told him how good that was--the kind of patronizing approval often given to people with disabilities. And then the president called his own skills "Special Olympics."
I read some of the comments posted on YouTube and realized that boy, do we have a long way to go before people with physical or developmental disabilities are considered on par with the able-bodied.
What I would ask the president and all those who found his joke not a big deal to do is to substitute their own sensitivity into his joke. That is, if you are a woman and he would have said that he bowled like a woman, would you have been offended? What if he would have said he bowled as poorly as a senior citizen or a Latino or an Asian or a gay man?
Obama Dream
Two nights ago, I had a lucid dream about Obama. I was in his limo with him and two male staff members. We were looking for a place to have lunch, but all the restaurants were closed. I then said, "But you're the president! I'm sure a restaurant would open just to serve you."
Sure enough, the next place we stopped was agreeable to give us a table. Actually, that's quite literally all we were given--a utilitarian table, placed outside in the open air on a beach.
The president began talking policy, but I interrupted him, looked directly into his eyes, and asked, "How are you? You the person, not the figurehead?" He paused. I continued, "Because it looks to me like you could use a massage." He nodded and said that would be great.
I then quickly changed the subject and brought up something I had heard on NPR but nowhere else: that of all the politicians AIG gave money to in the 2008 campaign, Barack was the big scorer with $102,000. He looked away, said nothing, then got up to have lunch at another table.
************
In so many ways, I appreciate what Obama is doing--green projects, diplomatic overtures to Iran, streamlining the healthcare system. But we all have to realize that corporate and elite interests have their claws in him just as they have their claws in every politician. And that those claws demand blood, or should I say blood money.
Sure enough, the next place we stopped was agreeable to give us a table. Actually, that's quite literally all we were given--a utilitarian table, placed outside in the open air on a beach.
The president began talking policy, but I interrupted him, looked directly into his eyes, and asked, "How are you? You the person, not the figurehead?" He paused. I continued, "Because it looks to me like you could use a massage." He nodded and said that would be great.
I then quickly changed the subject and brought up something I had heard on NPR but nowhere else: that of all the politicians AIG gave money to in the 2008 campaign, Barack was the big scorer with $102,000. He looked away, said nothing, then got up to have lunch at another table.
************
In so many ways, I appreciate what Obama is doing--green projects, diplomatic overtures to Iran, streamlining the healthcare system. But we all have to realize that corporate and elite interests have their claws in him just as they have their claws in every politician. And that those claws demand blood, or should I say blood money.
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