Looking at the Stats

As Dr. Butman reminded me Monday afternoon, patients on the transplant list live longer than those who are not placed on the list. Well, of course. They have something to live for, some hope of getting off dialysis and leading a somewhat-normal life.

And it's probably true, if anyone took the time to do a study, that dialysis patients with a lifelong and/or romantic partner live longer than those without. And that dialysis patients who are financially secure live longer than those who are struggling to make ends meet. And that dialysis patients who do not have to care for a parent with dementia live longer than those who do.

So what can I do to soften these drags on my health? Here are a few things:

* Every night as I have done for years, I lie in bed before I go to sleep and say aloud, "Heidi, I love you. I love you so much." Sometimes I elaborate about the things I appreciate about myself, things I am sure a life partner would appreciate. This helps a great deal. Sometimes it's almost as if the man who is matched to me in all the world--wherever the hell he is!--is channeling himself through my body and using my vocal chords to say what he'd like to tell me. I'm sure many people who have been married for decades don't have that level of connection!

* About 10 years ago, I had a community-garden plot. I learned so much about vegetables, and I received such a sense of satisfaction from growing my own food. Now that I have more energy and soon will have more time, I signed up to be on the waiting list for the Wild Oats community garden a few blocks from my apartment. I know that working around growing things will boost my spirits. And the people who populate community gardens are often funky and fun.

* I have decided to leave Cal State and have made the news official by alerting my department chair. I have to fill out a lot of paperwork to make this happen, but I have put the ball in motion. This is a positive step in leaving a situation that has not served me well for a very long time.

* I am attempting to keep as connected with friends as much as possible with my limited availability.

* I am making a point of writing every day, something I will continue to do once I leave Cal State.

* I need to find a venue for showmanship. In my 20s and early 30s, I met this need through poetry readings. At Cal State, I often saw the classroom as a performance space. If I put my attention into The Wedding Poet, I'm sure I'll get wedding, anniversary, retirement, and other gigs. In fact, I landed my first paying gig--a June wedding for Jen and Brad of Anchorage.

* And last but not least, I will skew the odds, beat the statistics, by the sheer force of my will. Amen!