A Huge Change, A Major Shift in my Thinking

Since April 1972, when I was diagnosed with diabetes, I have taken injections, up to six a day. Over the course of these 35 1/2 years, I have taken in excess of 50,000 shots.

Most people cringe when they find out I take injections. Some claim they couldn't do it, even if their life depended on it. Yet I have always considered injections preferrable to an insulin pump.

A pump that delivers insulin to the body 24/7 gives the diabetic a steady stream of insulin throughout the day and night, much like a functioning pancreas. It's supposed to be much better at regulating blood sugar than injections given before meals and before bed. Yet I have always resisted getting a pump.

I felt that a pump was giving up on the idea that I would ever be healed. From an outsider's point of view, I seem to negotiate the world as does everyone else--in a logical, practical manner. But truly, I believe in magic and miracles. I have always felt, all these many years, that one day I would wake up and no longer need insulin. I would be cured. No injections ever again. No testing my blood sugar. No gloomy reports from doctors about the dire state of my kidneys and my heart. I would be free and clear, healthy and happy to the end of my days.

A pump seemed the antithesis of magic and miracles. It would be attached to my body every waking and sleeping moment through a needle and a delivery tube. For years I resisted. Now I've finally given in.

Tomorrow I meet with a rep who will show me how to wear the pump, how to inject the needle that stays in for three days at a time, how to hide the pump under my shirt or my skirt or how to clip it to my belt as if it were a pager.

I know this will be better for my health. It should prevent the dangerously low blood sugars that have sent me to the emergency room twice in the last few months and the dangerously high sugars that destroy my kidneys and my heart.

I know it's for the best, but it makes me a little sad. Perhaps I can find a way to still hold on to the magic and miracle of future healing even while wearing an insulin pump.