Step Away From the Edge!

For months I have been putting off dialysis by whatever means possible--prayer, meditation, affirmations, solicitation of prayers from others, twice-weekly acupuncture treatments and massage, at-home moxibustion, severely reducing intake of animal protein, a positive attitude, herbal formulas and kidney-tonifying teas and tinctures, ingestion of large quantities of dehydrated bovine kidney and pancreas, invocation of angelic assistance, pleading, and begging.

All through this I have been expecting a miracle. I've even had the balls to tell my doctors that.

That I have not seen improvement in my kidney function is not only disappointing and disheartening, but I have at times felt betrayed by God. I have felt like Jesus on the cross when he said, "Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?"

This is not a new experience for me. Hundreds of times over the past 37 years of diabetes, I have seen improvements in my condition. Sometimes a drop in blood sugar level and a corresponding drop in insulin requirements. Sometimes renewed energy and the ability to walk for quite a distance without becoming exhausted or out of breath. Every time, each of these hundreds of times, I have thought, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank. This is the turning point. I am being restored to health!"

And every time, this improvement has been short-lived, sometimes just a day. Each time I have felt a betrayal, even a sense of being cosmically toyed with.

But the high points I have experienced during the past several months have been more acute. During the past 37 years, I have faced multiple daily insulin injections, an insulin pump, hemorrhages in my eyes, cataract surgery, congestive heart failure, severe anemia and blood loss, weakness, fatigue, scores of life-threatening medical emergencies and hospitalizations, transfusions, adverse drug reactions, and an endless stream of doctors' appointments, tests and lab work. But when it came to dialysis, I always said I would rather die than undergo this constriction of my life. Now dialysis is staring me in the face, and I have to make a decision: dialysis or die.

On Monday I saw my nephrologist, Dr. Butman. He put it this way: "Heidi, you're like the person in a movie who is dancing on the window ledge of a high-rise building. You're feeling fine, as if nothing is wrong. Well, I'm saying, 'Heidi, you'd be much safer if you just stepped back inside the building.'" His analogy made me laugh. I AM the woman dancing on the window ledge!

Right now I feel fine, not great, but not like I'm dying. In fact, Dr. Butman said that, considering my abysmal lab markers, I look really good. But as he said, that could change very quickly. If my potassium level suddenly became elevated, which happens in end-stage kidney disease, I could die without warning, in the time it takes to snap your fingers. Other signs of the end would be a little slower--the buildup of toxins to the point where I'm nauseous, can't eat, and am vomiting, accompanied by weakness and a wasting away. And a massive heart attack or stroke are also good possibilities.

Furthermore, it's better to start dialysis while I'm still feeling good, rather than start it on an emergency basis through an artery in my neck. Since it takes approximately three weeks for the surgical incision to heal, it would be best to undergo the surgery as soon as possible so that the catheter in my abdomen would be in place and ready to go.

So I scheduled surgery for Jan. 30, a little over a month away. I'm stepping away from the edge, but damn it, I'm still expecting a miracle. Something on the order of a band of angels sweeping me from the ledge and depositing me safely in the Land of Properly Working Organs.