In All Fairness

In all fairness, perhaps the reason men don't make a move on me is not because there is something wrong with them, but because I somehow fall short of what they're looking for in a mate or even in a casual lover. Not sure what that something is, but it's certainly not fair to blame them if they aren't interested in me.

After all, the plumber (see previous entry) was sleeping with someone else during the times we weren't going out. And a man who started off our first date about a year ago by saying he wanted a platonic relationship with me has been thinking of marriage with someone else. And one man who couldn't do anything in bed went on to find a wife with whom he honeymooned in Paris, while another of the same ilk found the love of his life and the wildest throes of passion he's ever known.

And in all fairness, it's been four years since I've had that delicious feeling of a steel band being pulled tight across my chest. So the truth is that though these men haven't been interested in me, I haven't been interested in them either.

Four years ago, at my friends Rachel and Matt's wedding in Sedona, I had a few hours of giddiness and a few wonderful kisses in a golden-leafed woods and then a few more in a hidden corner of the Flagstaff airport. I came across photos that Heather took of Charlie and me during that afternoon. The glow in our faces is unmistakable. What an incredibly beautiful feeling that was. Ah! If only Charlie hadn't been married.

I remember him telling me of a woman he met while traveling in Alaska as a young man. He had been alone for some time, and this stranger made room for him in her bed one night. One of those magical, fleeting moments. He said that she told him that maybe the experience that they had together would open him up to other relationships, other women. And that is exactly what happened. Love started to stream into his life.

I remember, four years ago, how Charlie said that he wished that for me too, that our kisses would be a catalyst, propelling me into someone else's arms. Well, Charlie, it's been a rather slow trajectory because I have yet to make contact. But a lovely thought and a kind wish nonetheless.