My approach to Valentine's Day has radically improved over the past 31 years of spending it solo. Yes, it was when I was a bright-eyed 21-year-old that I had my last conventional VD--roses, cards, and a fancy dinner with a man with whom I was romantically involved.
After that, my husband gave up on the holiday, even though we remained married for another decade. I have had only two relationships since then, one a long-distance affair with a man from Beijing and another with an alcoholic surfing legend from No Cal, again long-distance. Neither man was big on gifts or American traditions, and so Valentine's Day went unrecognized. A few days before VD 1997, I was in So Cal having just laid down to sleep when at the foot of my bed a vision of Mike appeared and told me he had drank my Valentine's roses, in other words, he had gone off the wagon and spent flower money on booze. Sure enough, that's what had happened. My son, good guy that he has always been, bought me a single rose the next year, knowing that Mike would not.
Other than that, a male co-worker once gave me a card on VD, and a few years back, my male friend Chris gave me a plastic box of carrot and celery sticks, knowing that, as I am a diabetic, I shouldn't have chocolate. These were certainly kind gestures, but hardly romantic. And my friend Bev is very good about sending cards for every occasion, bless her soul.
Monday, February 14, 2011
A Primer for a Solo Valentine's Day
I used to really work myself up into a silly state on VD, crying and carrying on, if to no one but myself. Those days are long gone. Sure, once in a while, I wonder how amazing it might be to actually be in love on Valentine's Day and have that same person be in love with me. Seems like something as fairy-magic-unicorn-ish as dancing among the stars or sliding on a moonbeam.
The big reason for my transformation is a different attitude. I now know I am richly deserving of love, whereas I somewhat doubted that before. It doesn't matter if no one notices that I'm so deserving, I still am.
Over the years, I have reinforced this message by telling myself, either silently during the day or out loud just before I drop off to sleep, "I am loved, I am deeply loved." At first this brought more pain, but then a shift occurred, and I firmly took hold of the truth of these words. Saying them brought so much comfort, made me grin ear to ear, giggle with joy, embrace myself, and rub my chin affectionately against my shoulder. I felt so incredibly loved saying these words to myself. In many ways, more security, trust, honesty, commitment, and, yes, gosh darn it, love than I had ever truly felt from my husband, the man from Beijing, or the surfer. They had always held back, but I am like a child, no inhibitions, no fears of rejection, just proclaiming my truth: I am loved, I am deeply loved.
So my advice for those who are down on VD because they have no one to sweep them off their feet:
* Tell yourself you are loved, deeply loved, and richly deserving of love.
* Give yourself a hug and smile widely while you're doing it.
* Give chocolates or flowers to someone who may need some cheering up. I bought an orchid and made a card for a nextdoor neighbor to whom I bring sunflowers from the community garden in the summer months and roses from the store every so often during the winter. She's a wonderful gal who is struggling with throat cancer.* Call the other solo fliers you know and tell them how they, too, are richly deserving of love.
* Give a gift to charity in someone's name, someone you love or appreciate, though not necessarily romantically. One of my favorite things to do, as I did for my son's new girlfriend, is to have a tree planted in someone's name by TreePeople.
If you do these things, I bet you'll have a happier Valentine's Day than many of the couples you currently envy. Remember, just because people are together doesn't mean they're necessarily together.P.S. My son, Aaron, surprised me with a bouquet of red tulips, wrapped in a pink bow that I gave to my little valentine, Rasputin. And Aaron's girlfriend gave me a pretty bag in which to put my knitting paraphenalia, bath salts, scrub, lotion, and some very fancy soaps. The best VD in memory.
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