Finally Getting the Whole Story

Friday was a difficult day. As is so often the case, I found out that the whole bypass thing is much more than what it was initially billed to be. This happens quite often. I am told a rosier story than is the actual course of events, I buy into the rosier picture, and then I am given the whole story.

One of the components of this pre-op day was a consult with a cardiac surgeon. I must say that he was the best listener I have ever encountered in a doctor. He didn't trivialize my feelings, and he didn't give me "shut up" messages by telling me about how other patients have it much worse or how facing difficult tasks is everyone's lot. He actually listened, with eye contact and with empathy.

I told him that my mid-section was already "mutilated" with the insulin pump and PD tubing and transfer set. I asked him to not only think of me as a patient but as a woman and do his best to keep my chest as attractive as possible. I wondered if he could approach my heart from the side. He said that is sometimes done with single or double bypass but not with triple. He said that he had been a surgeon at Columbia, Emory, and UCLA, and had pioneered non-invasive surgery especially for women, making the cut under the breasts, but that was not an option for me either. (Unfortunately, he will not be doing my bypasses, as the method for operating on me is the run-of-the-mill M.O., he is saved for more challenging, fancier operations.) In short, I'm looking at a gash about eight inches long that will show even with a modest scoop neck. Then he told me about the two cuts below my breasts, the two shunts in my arms, the shunt in my neck, and the two IVs in my wrists.

Add to this the cuts in my legs. When I asked the young physician's assistant if it were possible to only take veins above my kneee so that I could wear skirts, she laughed and considered this strange, as if to say, "Why should someone like you be concerned about being attractive?"

So I am not feeling good about any of this. I was feeling fine about it prior to Friday's pre-op appointments, and now I feel as if it's yet another way that the medical profession is restricting, inconveniencing, ostracizing, and isolating me.