A few days ago, I mentioned to someone that I would sure like to do X, that X had been my plan, but that now X wasn't possible. She asked why. "Dialysis," I replied. She responded with a laugh, that inappropriate laugh that some people often use in such situations.
Her response made me wonder: Do people laugh at cancer too? Not in a general sense, but to the cancer patient's face. The next day I received an answer.
(I wondered about cancer because healthy people consider cancer the ultimate in health challenges. I'm not sure there is any one worse condition, but I have often wondered if cancer deserves this spot. After all, with cancer you either go through an awful time and then you're fine or you go through an awful time and then you die anyway. But you don't generally have to deal with cancer for decades or all of your life, though I'm sure there are exceptions to this. But any way, cancer seems to be at the top of the heap of physical challenges in most people's estimation, so I wondered about cancer and inappropriate laughter.)
I was attending a tai chi class that is taught by a cancer survivor. I asked him about his T-shirt, which advertised a river-rafting company in Idaho. I asked if his wife had gone with him. He said no, that the trip was only for cancer survivors. Another person in the class made a comment and laughed. That inappropriate laugh.
I then noticed the instructor's reaction. It was clear to me, even if no one else noticed, that he was disturbed, perhaps perturbed, by her laughter. I was seeing on his face the same reaction that must cross my face, and I didn't like it.
So, this is something I'm working on: Not allowing inappropriate laughter or insensitive comments to ruffle my feathers. In fact, perhaps the best way to help this process along is to smile and brighten my eyes when this occurs. Not that the other person has to see the smile, but more of a smile as one does during meditation or while taking a walk alone in the woods. A light smile that in and of itself lightens the mood and keeps me focused on my true nature. Rather than feel hurt because the other person is slighting my problems, turn it around and smile as if these problems are illusory.
As Tuyen Tran, the Vietnamese friend who long ago introduced me to zen, said, "Which is bigger: You or your problem?" I have been responding to these insensitivies as if my problem is bigger. Regardless of how the other person would answer that question, I need to start answering it with "I am!"
Mystical experiences, yearnings, politics, little dramas, poetry, kidney dialysis, insulin-dependent diabetes, and opportunities for gratitude.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Followers
About Me
- Heidi's heart
- Southern California, United States
- Perhaps my friend Mark summed me up best when he called me "a mystical grammarian." I am quite a mix--otherworldly, ethereal and in touch with "the beyond," yet prone to being very precise and logical, when need be. Romantic in the big-canvas meaning of the word, I see the world as an adventure, as a love poem, as a realm of beauty and wonder.
Blog Archive
- ► 2010 (176)
- ▼ 2009 (169)
6 comments:
Inappropriate laughter is often the reaction to stess or embarrassment. I once knew a man who could not go to a funeral without laughing. And he was horrified by it. He never knew what to do. If he didn't go he felt horrible, and if he went he became this asshole who laughed at the the worst moments. Surely this sort of thing has happened to you before, no? When something comes up (unexpectedly or not) and you don't know why, but you laugh? It has happened to me, but thankfully not at something like someone's illness. There is one particular instance in which this happened many years ago and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. And it was not about the person I laughed at one bit. It was about me. And I was drunk too. So, is it possible to see it as simply a knee jerk reaction that makes no sense but has nothing to do with you? And also not to be condescending about it? Like whoever did it must be a monster or and idiot or a child?
Also, could you ask, why are you laughing? I am not sure I understand just wanting to gloss over it and pretend it does not affect you. As for people thinking cancer is the worst, I think it is simply that cancer is common and people are most afraid of it because it is more likely to happen to them. Seeing my sister with her chronic illness and unbelievable pain for the past ten years, and my father's suffering from ALS, and seeing two women at work with cancer, I can tell you, the cancer is not the worst. My boss just finished chemo and a few weeks later went on a 5K run. She never stopped working out, actually. The other woman is actually dying after a five year battle that was truly hell. But even she had treatments that were going to potentially make her healthy, wheras my sister is looking at the rest of her life in pain. And she is 38. So... it all depends.
Thanks, Alexi, for your comments. I don't really want to try to psychoanalyze why people laugh at inappropriate moments. Sure, it's insecurity and discomfort, but isn't that what being an adult is about--dealing with difficult things and facing one's mortality? And if they're not acting like adults, then they must be acting like children. This is not condescending, it's just the facts. This isn't a mature response, it's a childish response. This is a statement of fact, not a judgment, not a condescension. And I never get the impression that the person feels that his or her behavior is inappropriate.
And, Alexi, you really don't give me any credit. I was being brutally honest, and I said that I wish to change my reaction to people's insensitivities. That hardly seems condescending to me.
Hmmm... I think I do give you lots of credit, Heidi. The condescending aspect that I picked up on came from this...
"Perhaps the best way to deal with insensitivities is to pretend that the comments were issued by children rather than by adults. [...] The child is ignorant and doesn't know that this is inappropriate. That is how I need to start treating adults who say insensitive things or laugh at things that are difficult for me. Just think of them as children who don't know any better." Adding that Jesus did this brought to even another level. Regardless, I know you are handling a great deal and I think it admirable how you try to cope with it all.
Oh, and who knows what being an adult is all about. Many people never come to grips with their mortality, my 94 year old grandmother included. So... I thought by mentioning how the inappropriate laughter might be coming from some inability to deal with something might be some kind of consolation to you. Sounds like you got offended. I did not intend to offend you. And I did not say you should psychoanalyze people. I was just reflecting on what I know from my experience. None of this is "just the facts." It is all emotional stuff that has many shades of truth.
Post a Comment