Listening 101

It's not that this is a new revelation, but once again, I am seeing how emotionally handicapped the vast majority of people are. Rare is the person who knows how to listen to another's pain. Instead, people adopt one of several strategies to make the person in need shut up.

1) Deflect attention away from the subject at hand and toward something that happened to the listener. You tell someone you have cancer, and she will tell you when her immune system wasn't 100 percent and she caught a cold.

2) Avoid eye contact, divert attention to something else in the environment, look bored, or gaze at the wall clock.

3) Tell the person in pain that others have it so much worse than she does. This strategy is especially effective at getting the person to shut up as its message is "You have no right to feel bad. Stuff your feelings."

I have gotten all of the above responses from the healthcare providers at Kaiser--people whose job it is to offer support! Even from a social worker! And it's not that I've gone on and on about how I'm feeling, only one or two sentences before I'm shut down.

I got the same response from the so-called kidney support group. The leader told me that many people in the group have gone through so much more than me, even before she even knew what I've been through.

Ironically, the posters in the patient rooms encourage asking for support from friends, family, support-group members, and healthcare professionals.

So, for anyone who is reading this, here is Lesson One in Listening 101:

If someone comes to you with an emotional problem, if she is sad or lonely or depressed, don't tell her that others have it worse than she does. She may agree with you on an intellectual level, but that is not where she is at that moment. Instead, simply listen, provide good eye contact, and if appropriate, hold her hand, stroke her back, or give her a hug. Do not respond on an intellectual, problem-solving level. Simply let her air her feelings. You are there to listen intently. Your presence is what is needed, not your advice. Later perhaps, after she has calmed down, after she has voiced things she has perhaps not been able to voice previously, then she may ask for your help in sorting things out or making a plan of action. But at this moment, hold back from doing that. It is not wanted at this time and will only be perceived as an attempt to make her shut up.