Just as I was feeling OK about the whole dialysis thing, a friend's boyfriend said that I must feel funny at work, that my co-workers must think of me as some kind of freak. And wouldn't it be better if I just removed myself from that situation and quit work, went out on disability? "I'm sure you'd rather not have them always looking at you like you're a freak," he said.
I think that, in some twisted way, he meant to offer support through his comments. The thing was I hadn't been thinking of myself as a freak, and I hadn't considered that others looked at me that way--that is, until he said this.
But maybe they do. Maybe already in their minds they have relegated me to the almost-dead category. That I am no longer worth bothering with because they think I won't be around much longer and, even if I am, do they really want to associate with someone who has to add and remove fluids from her body four times a day through a tube permanently implanted in her abdomen?
Of course, everyone adds and removes fluids from the body many times each day. But somehow doing it quick and easy over a toilet is different.
Who knows what people think. If the truth be told, I'm sure that there are plenty of people who have thought I'm a freak even without knowing anything about my medical challenges.
But I do know what I will do the next time Daryl or anyone else brings up freakiness: I'll tell him straight on that, that's not the way I think about myself.
Mystical experiences, yearnings, politics, little dramas, poetry, kidney dialysis, insulin-dependent diabetes, and opportunities for gratitude.
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About Me
- Heidi's heart
- Southern California, United States
- Perhaps my friend Mark summed me up best when he called me "a mystical grammarian." I am quite a mix--otherworldly, ethereal and in touch with "the beyond," yet prone to being very precise and logical, when need be. Romantic in the big-canvas meaning of the word, I see the world as an adventure, as a love poem, as a realm of beauty and wonder.
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3 comments:
Freak? What an insensitive comment from friend's bf. You are a gorgeous woman, there is no way that anyone would view you in that light. Unfortunately, the general public is not aware of the vast population of individuals that live with "d". Over the years, several coworkers have admitted to being "d" patients. I never viewed them as freaks. I guess rather than attempting to educate oneself and understand what is taking place, while offering moral support, etc, it is simply easier to label someone a "freak" and look the other way. Incredible. This is the new millenium...we live in a civilized society dont we?
Hmmm, in October, I attended a Kris kristofferson concert, one of my favorites songs was "Dont let the bastards get you down".
Funny but I have a totally different definition of the word "freak" - a much more positive one. I have felt like a freak my entire life and am immensely proud to be one. To me, it means someone unique and special who will not accept the status quo.
The way this person said "freak" is not you but the way I define the word ... YES!!! And this fellow freak loves you madly. If others cannot see your beautiful light, than they are blind and you don't need them.
Thanks to both of you for your loving comments. Greatly appreciated.
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