Affirmation of Blessed Relationship

When I was going through some papers, I happened upon a folder I had opened March 26, 1998. I remember the day very clearly. I was hanging out at a McDonald's, reading and writing the day away as I waited for my van to be fixed. I had called my boyfriend Mike in Northern California, and he had said something cruel.

This is how Mike often operated: He and I would have a beautiful, intimate time together, a time in which you wouldn't think two people could possibly be any closer, and he would follow up by saying something dismissive, insensitive, and cruel. Years later this behavior was explained to me: Mike had low self-worth and was intimidated by me. In one sense, he wanted very much to be with me, and in another sense, it terrified him. Plus, he was an alcoholic, though he only drank twice in the four years I was with him. He nonetheless exhibited alcoholic behavior, i.e. destroying everything good in his life and fluctuating between delusions of grandeur and self-deprecation. Mike wanted the emotional and physical intimacy I offered, but he felt unworthy of it, so he made himself unworthy.

I can't remember what he said, only that it hurt me very deeply. I decided to sit right down at McDonald's and write down exactly what I wanted in a relationship. I wrote several versions that day, revising criteria, adding and modifying and recasting, until I finally hit upon a final draft. Then for more than two years, until April 13, 2000, I rewrote the affirmation, each time reaffirming what I wanted. In the folder were more than 100 handwritten and typed copies of the affirmation.

Looking at it almost a decade later, I would say that this is still what I want. Here goes, one last time, then I'm tossing the foler, releasing it completely to God's hands:


Affirmation of Blessed Relationship

Formulated 3/26/98

I am richly deserving of holy relationship with a God/dess-centered, honest, moral, loving, generous, sensitive, passionate, romantic, tantric-adept, supportive, understanding, responsible, mature, financially secure, unpretentious, emotionally healthy, physically independent, life-affirming, optimistic, fun-loving, playful, adventuresome, attractive, intelligent, humorous,. compassionate, faithful, “present,” heterosexual, “available” man of compatible age, education, income, interests, outlook and locale.

Holding to the truth that God/dess deeply loves me, wants me to be happy and fulfilled, and gently guides my path, I will attract this man into my life. I will immediately recognize him as the treasure I have already joined with in my soul. He will immediately recognize me as the treasure who has come into his life through prayer, since he has been awaiting my arrival too. He will know me, since I will embody those traits I seek in him, my soulmate, my beloved—traits he has been seeking in his soulmate, his beloved, the woman he will come to know as Heidi, the outer manifestation of his inner quest.

We will enter into lifelong commitment, bonds of strange and sacred intimacy, a shared vision of holy purpose, with joyfulness, courage and whole-hearted openness, celebrating each night and day the great and blessed gift God/dess has granted us through and with this love.

All this will come to pass, beautifully, magically, effortlessly, and very soon.

Amen!