A Perfect Storm

This evening I got so caught up with writing that I missed my hook-up time. I should have started dialysis at 8, but didn't even begin the set-up process until after 9.

Timing is crucial, as the dialysis solution should not dwell in my peritoneal cavity for more than eight hours. During the nighttime therapy, I pass through five cycles, each dwell time of a little more than an hour. After eight hours of dwell time--which can be easily reached between the mid-day and the night hook-up--the solution and all the toxins it contains are absorbed into the body, thereby defeating the whole purpose.

Once I realized how late it was, I started to scramble. I went to the kitchen and took my blood sugar. It was a dangerously low 60. In the confused mental state that accompanies low blood sugar, I thought I shouldn't have anything to eat or any juice to drink because I would be hooking up soon, and the dialysis solution has dextrose in it. Definitely not thinking clearly.

I took my blood pressure, as this is a crucial factor in determining what strength of dialysis solution to use. Yellow, which is the weakest solution, for low blood pressure, a loss of five or more pounds in a 24-hour period and/or a dehydrated state. Green is for blood pressure around 120/80 and stable weight. Red is for fluid overload with blood pressure around 150/100 and a weight gain of five or more pounds in a 24-hour period. My BP was 170/84, but my weight gain over the day had been less than five pounds, so I decided on two green bags.

I returned to the bedroom to pull the correct quantities of solution from the boxes under my bed. In my low-blood-sugar daze, I was sloppy with the aseptic technique I am to use to prevent infection. I didn't wash my hands before connecting the drain and the tubing. When connecting the bags, I neglected to wear a surgical mask.

Then the alarm sounded, and I had to call a technical rep. He walked me through correcting the tubing problem. By this time, my jaw was going slack. My blood sugar must have dropped further. I finally got some juice to raise my glucose level and so my consciousness, a part of me still deliberating which was more important--hooking up as soon as possible or correcting my dipping blood sugar.

I am very fortunate that a part of me demanded that I get some juice. I was in the midst of a perfect storm--low blood sugar, past my hook-up time, sloppy technique due to muddled thinking, technical problems with the dialysis machine. Any one of those factors is problematic, but all four might have ended in disaster. But as it is, I am hooked up, and my blood sugar is now a perfect 129. I passed through the storm once again.

Heidi's Heart

My dear cousin Rhonda (pictured here on the right, with cousin Mary), with whom I stayed when I attended the foeden party/family reunion in Minnesota this past November, observed the following about the blog name Heidi's heart. If you jam all the letters together, it becomes heidisheart. She then deconstructed it as such:

he (the guy)
id (our primitive side)
i (the most important one to each of us)
she (the girl)
art (what makes life worth living, like good writing)

Add it together and you get heidisheart.

She is a clever gal, that Rhonda!

Tears, the One Exception

Tears are the one exception to the fine-in-your-body-but-gross-outside rule that I wrote of a few days ago. It is the only substance that is not repulsive once it is detached from a living human.

I wonder why this is. Tears are most decidedly aligned with emotions, but then so is semen. And some tears, of course, are neither those of joy or sorrow, but are instead a reaction to external conditions such as onion fumes, smoke, or tear gas.

Tears are clear, transparent (both figuratively and literally). Perhaps this clarity gives them an edge. But of course, you can see light through urine too.

Tears, the anomaly.

A Gorgeous Lace Handkerchief

After a year and a half of membership, I have canceled my match.com subscription. In all this time, I have sent "winks" and/or e-mails to about 50 men, and perhaps 30 have winked at me.

Many have written how amazing I am, how much they enjoyed what I'd written, how they had never read a more interesting profile, and in general how impressed they were with my photos and my outlook on life, and then were never heard from again. I guess they were looking for dull and conventional women because these 18 months netted me dates with only two men. One of whom made it clear from the onset that he was interested in only a platonic relationship with me. And the other who, though we've seen each other a dozen times and talked many more times on the phone, has never given me more than a close-mouthed peck. Even after I gave him an hour-and-a-half full-body massage!

So once again I am giving up. Not literally giving up, I suppose, but realizing that whatever it is that men are looking for, they must be looking for something I don't have. I go down a list of my good points and have trouble seeing what that might be: trim; tall; beautiful, blue eyes; long legs; blonde; intelligent; playful; good sense of humor; pays all my bills on time and never wracks up credit-card debt; not afraid to get dirty; slow to complain; doesn't demand gifts; eager to go camping with you; loves to dress up; enjoys sex and agreeable to all manner of crazy things in bed; doesn't mind cooking and cleaning; open to new experiences; open to new ideas; gives a great massage; a fantastic listener; someone who will be there for you when you need my support; has a beaming-to-beat-the-sun kind of smile and a wonderful laugh. My God, I'd date me! No, I'd marry me!

Over the years, I have asked many friends and male acquaintances what they think this is about. All I've ever gotten is that it could be men are intimidated by me. But that can't be it. Think of women like Michelle Obama. She's pretty terrific, and she has a great guy by her side.

The only explanation I have ever come up with on my own is this: Perhaps I am a gorgeous lace handkerchief. When men see me, they think, "That's an incredibly lovely handkerchief." And then they remember that the world no longer has use for handkerchiefs. Everyone uses Kleenex.

No More Drug Talk

I commented to my mother as I dropped her off this afternoon how wonderful it is that she no longer talks about her drugs. For many years, 90 percent of the time I spent conversing with her was about what drugs she's taking, how she needs more drugs, and when is she going to get the drugs. During the past year, this was often accompanied by hysteria when her drugs did not appear at precisely the right time. Even a few minutes late would send her into a tirade of frenetic behavior that I found absolutely crazy-making, like watching a heroin addict or someone who, if she had a gun in her hand, would blast everyone in sight.

For some reason, she no longer mentions her drugs. What is responsible for this shift, I do not know, but I am very grateful. I truly hated to spend time with her when she was obsessed with her narcotics. I knew that she cared nothing about what I or anyone else was saying, that she was 100 percent focused on the drugs. And it was so incredibly stressful to be with someone who was so revved up, "hyper" or "anxious" not even approaching what was her mental status.

So I praised her today for her shift, whatever its cause. And I say a prayer that her calm, her willingness to participate, and her genuineness continue to manifest. If this shift is permanent, she and I may just be able to have a relationship. Wouldn't that be something!

Getting Mom to Participate

This afternoon I picked Mom up from her assisted-living facility and took her to feed the ducks at El Dorado Park. When we arrived, she said, "I'll stay inside." I calmly told her that my entire life she had refused to participate and that was no longer going to be the case. "You can help feed the ducks, Mom," I said. And in contrast to the past half century, she didn't insist on non-participation but instead got out of the truck without a fuss.

She enjoyed herself! What a concept: You engage in life and the people in your life and you have a good time! She smiled the whole time and took special interest in ducks she felt were hungry but unable to wrestle the bread from the seagulls. I couldn't help but think how her life and my relationship with her would have been so different, had she taken an active part in what was occurring around her decades ago, instead of holding back at every opportunity and refraining from interacting with the people she was with. Might she have remarried? Might she have stayed in Wisconsin, surrounded by a tight circle of friends who would watch over each other? Might she have forged a bond with my brother? It's hard to say how participation might have altered so many things.

Perhaps as she nears the end of her life, she is becoming the person she might have been all along. Well, except for the two years she spent in Europe in the early '50s. As Aaron remarked when we were sorting through the photographs from that time, "This is the woman I would have liked to have known." During these years, she was bright-eyed and smiling, seemingly ready for an adventure at every turn.

What then changed to make her into someone who lived a separate life from her husband, even while they slept under the same roof? Someone who didn't know the most basic things about her children, like where they had worked for 20 years and what kind of work they did? Someone who, when on vacation, always stayed in camp and read the newspaper instead of going on morning hikes with the rest of her family? Someone who would walk away while I introduced her to someone? Someone who has yet to attend a Wednesday outing, though she's had more than a year of opportunities to do so?

There's no telling at this point what happened to change her approach to the world, but it seems, after 55 years of dormancy, that perhaps she is waking up again. She's not in Europe and will never be again, but perhaps she will recapture a little of the excitement for living that she obviously possessed in abundance while in Europe so very many years ago.

Obama's Special Olympics Joke

I didn't watch "The Tonight Show" when the president made an appearance as I don't have a TV on which to watch it. I did, however, listen to the footage of his Special Olympics joke.

Obama had gotten a bowling score of 129, pretty awful. The audience cheered, and Jay Leno told him how good that was--the kind of patronizing approval often given to people with disabilities. And then the president called his own skills "Special Olympics."

I read some of the comments posted on YouTube and realized that boy, do we have a long way to go before people with physical or developmental disabilities are considered on par with the able-bodied.

What I would ask the president and all those who found his joke not a big deal to do is to substitute their own sensitivity into his joke. That is, if you are a woman and he would have said that he bowled like a woman, would you have been offended? What if he would have said he bowled as poorly as a senior citizen or a Latino or an Asian or a gay man?

Obama Dream

Two nights ago, I had a lucid dream about Obama. I was in his limo with him and two male staff members. We were looking for a place to have lunch, but all the restaurants were closed. I then said, "But you're the president! I'm sure a restaurant would open just to serve you."

Sure enough, the next place we stopped was agreeable to give us a table. Actually, that's quite literally all we were given--a utilitarian table, placed outside in the open air on a beach.

The president began talking policy, but I interrupted him, looked directly into his eyes, and asked, "How are you? You the person, not the figurehead?" He paused. I continued, "Because it looks to me like you could use a massage." He nodded and said that would be great.

I then quickly changed the subject and brought up something I had heard on NPR but nowhere else: that of all the politicians AIG gave money to in the 2008 campaign, Barack was the big scorer with $102,000. He looked away, said nothing, then got up to have lunch at another table.

************

In so many ways, I appreciate what Obama is doing--green projects, diplomatic overtures to Iran, streamlining the healthcare system. But we all have to realize that corporate and elite interests have their claws in him just as they have their claws in every politician. And that those claws demand blood, or should I say blood money.

The Repulsiveness of Detachment

About a week ago, Aaron said something that all of us have felt many times over the course of our lives but probably have not explicitly articulated: "Everything is fine as long as it stays in your body, but once it becomes detached, it's repulsive."

We all know that at any given time we're carrying about urine and feces. That's perfectly acceptable, but once we let it outside, once it becomes detached from our bodies, it's suddenly repulsive.

The same holds true for mucous and blood and semen. And before you say that you don't find the latter repulsive, consider how comfortable you would be with some stranger's sample on the bed sheets in your hotel room. A lot different than how you would feel if you simply found his mislaid Bluetooth or iPod--other things that can become detached from one's body.

Skin and hair are often the stuff of great beauty, celebrated in literature and the visual arts. But detach either of them from the fair person, and they are not nearly as attractive. Case in point: as a massage therapist who has rubbed the backs, arms, and shoulders of many with peeling tans, let me tell you that dirty, little, sweaty skin balls are not cute. Please scrub yourself with a loofah before seeing your massage therapist during the summer!

Nails, too, are often seen as beautiful. Some women even paint them to attract more attention to the tips of their fingers. But cut them off, and they are no longer lovely. How many of you have scolded someone for cutting his nails without catching the clippings in a receptacle? And I remember my friend Mark, who for many years collected his nail clippings in a jar. To give me the creeps, he would shake the jar, which would make a wispy, bones-rattling-in-the-graveyard sound.

Probably the most dramatic example is that of a fetus. As long as it is inside the mother's womb, it is considered an object of wonder, a testament to the continuance of humanity, a mysterious creature with unknown potential--at least this is often the perception from the outside. But if the fetus is aborted, if it becomes detached from its mother's body, it now possesses none of that glory and is simply placed in the trash.

















And so I have been noticing how dialysis changes public perception of me. Most other people keep their urine inside them until they can quickly, easily, and privately use a restroom. But for me, the whole process is much more cumbersome, time-consuming, and in your face. The 25 boxes of dialysis solution that are stacked in my living room and the other 15 boxes that are squirreled under my bed are everywhere-you-turn reminders that I am all about detaching a bunch of material from my body. And the few people who have entered this space thus far have evidenced a slight repulsion. They definitely do not feel comfortable about the thought of fluids being released from my body. Well, all I can do is to make sure they don't see the collection bags draining into the tub!

Mom Gets Real!

In the past month and a half of dialysis, a few friends have invited me out, and all but two times I have had to decline. The events always ran too late into the evening, interfering with my hook-up time of between 7 and 9 p.m. Then with the mid-day exchange, luncheon dates also have become problematic. (The only two things I have been able to participate in were a 5:30 p.m. screening of a film and a mid-afternoon bite to eat at Hof's Hut.)

In short, my social life is now limited to the following:

* watching a Netflix with Aaron and
* seeing my mom on Sunday afternoons

The latter has, up until very recently, been a chore. To everything I say my mother responds, "What?" This is quite annoying, especially since she doesn't do this with anyone else.

Just this past Sunday--two days ago--a shift occurred. As I told Aaron, this was the first time in my entire life that I can ever remember enjoying my mother's company. In contrast to all past encounters, she seemed to be telling me the truth or at least her truth, and her answers to my questions seemed honest and sincere.

We went to a coffeehouse, and she read aloud from her journal about her marriage to my father. She had always said that they met on a bird-watching outing, but she had no recollection of ever having said this. Instead, she said that my father was in the habit of stopping in at the YWCA where she worked on his way to work to get a cup of coffee.

In contrast to the previous Sunday's persistence, which only ended poorly, I let this go and did not press her. This worked so much better. It is really unimportant what is factual and what is not; the most important thing is that she is writing, engaging her mind, and by so doing, giving us something to talk about. Factual is perhaps not as crucial as emotional authenticity. Even if some of what she writes is fabrication or faulty memory, it sure beats dead air.

I am fully aware that one afternoon does not a relationship make. But it is a start. It is still a one-way flow of energy, but that is as it has always been. At least this past Sunday, this one time, she was not saying what she felt others wanted to hear. Perhaps that's it: For the very first time, she was real.

The Call from UCLA

When I arrived home this noon to do my mid-day exchange, I found a message on my voice mail from Lila Ruiz of UCLA's kidney-transplant team. She told me that she had received the referral from my cardiologist and nephrologist, and said that I would be receiving a letter in three to four months with an appointment date and time.

I was a bit surprised by the time lag. I had been told I would get an appointment with UCLA within a month. Lila said there have been so many referrals lately and that there is quite a backlog. She said I probably wouldn't be seen until late July or early August.

Dr. Butman is on vacation this week, but when he returns, I plan to ask him if I should or can also apply to UC San Diego and Loma Linda Hospital. They are farther away than UCLA, but perhaps my chances are better--or at least I can be seen quicker!

How an Atheist Can Pray

I have at least one friend and one relative who tell me they are atheists. They tell me they are sending me good thoughts, though they do not pray. Well, good thoughts are praying!

The standard idea of prayer is that you are begging God or some god/goddess to grant your wishes--give you something good or take something bad away. I would like to propose another kind of prayer, one that everyone, regardless of spiritual beliefs or lack thereof, can practice.

Instead of supplicating a divine being, simply be quiet and envision what you desire. See it in all its beautiful detail. Send love and affirmation to that thought. Feel what it's like to be in that state of love or abundance or health or whatever it is you desire. See the wonder and goodness that flows from that state of being. Feel your body tingling with the sensation of manifesting that state. This sort of loving, life-affirming focusing of attention is what prayer is, whether one is offering the prayer to God the Father or Jesus Christ or Buddha or one of a pantheon of Hindu gods or no god at all.

And this is how I pray for my health: I see my body functioning perfectly, the way it was meant to function, in its full glory of health and vibrancy. I soon begin to feel the tingling in my body, the life force flowing to and through every cell, reminding each cell that it is in alignment with God's plan for me of perfect health and vibrancy.

I do not focus on what I do not want. This only feeds what I do not want to bring about. Instead I focus on what I desire, what I wish to manifest.

And so there is no incompatibility with someone being an atheist and that same person praying. Good thoughts are prayer, and prayer are nothing but good thoughts.

Other Lives

Not often do I think of the images I have received of other lifetimes. After all, this life right here and now is the important one. It's the one that needs my attention.

Once in a while, though, I do give these images some reflection. Now before you start saying, "UGH, not another Cleopatra or Napoleon," I assure you that I remember no lives that were chronicled, much less deified. No, the lives I remember were outwardly simple, though I sensed an interior depth. This profound interiority is the primary reason why I so resonated with these others.

And who were they?

* A shepherd, seemingly in the Middle East. Perhaps Israeli. Dressed in tunic and sandals. Could have been 1,000 or 2,000 years ago.

* A Chinese apothecary, beloved by the local children, who giggled about him and tugged playfully at his long robes. He in turn smiled at them, considering them his children, though he didn't appear to have any of his own. No wife either. A gentleness about him, the compassion of a true healer. People would come to him with their problems because they knew he was discreet and that their secrets were safe with him. He would listen, then prepare a tincture to calm their nerves or lift their spirits or abort a sobbing child's unwanted child.

* A slender, nicely attired woman, circa 1930s. Brunette. Lived alone in a sunny, second-story apartment that was cheerful and tidy. Lots of plants. A comfy sofa upon which she leisurely sipped tea and read books, lots of books. Walked to work. Some kind of an office job, though more responsibility than was generally granted women in those days. Greeted by the shopkeepers and pedestrians she passed. Self-contained. Friendly, polite, but not close to anyone. Seemed quite calm, content with her life. Not at all lonely.

* A Catholic monk during the Middle Ages or perhaps later, but in a monastery that had not kept up with the times. This was by far the most powerful vision. I actually felt what he was feeling in my own body. I felt as if I were inside his body. I was there, kneeling on the cold, stone floor of an empty church, and felt I was descending into the earth, as if I had entered a trance that the monk had achieved through long hours of focused prayer. Through this experience, I received a valuable insight, which I crafted into the following poem:


Stepping Outside the City Walls

Five decades hauling water
to wash Christ's feet
and cook the abbott's supper.
Fifty years chopping wood
from forests beyond the city walls.
Pine and juniper, hazelnut, maple, and oak.
Trees felled by those who move in the world.

By day, the villagers left branches at our gate.
Sweet pumpkin bread,
apples, and candles, too.
Wildflowers and thick, coarse blankets
for men who sleep alone.

When only angels and devils stirred,
I brought the gifts inside.
A street filled with people would make me blush,
but darkened, it had no power over me.

Hours alone beneath the cross.
Bruised knees on a cold chapel floor.
Sarifices for the One who led me underground
to secret places where other lives were lived.


Thirty four years ago,
I awoke inside a girl's body.
Within her dreamy, preschool mind,
I was a thought:
How wonderful to be a monk,
a curator of God's soul!

She built altars of dandelions
and pillows of grass clippings for the Virgin's tender feet.
From the tulips to the weeping willow,
the Queen of Heaven floated on blue light beams,
winged garter snakes, and broken colored glass.

White leather prayer books and visions in the woods
kept the little girl content.
But as she grew, she soon discovered that monks were always men
and nuns were made for serving priests.

The convent doors closed,
she chose sickness instead, the secular path of withdrawal.
Insulin syringes and admonitions of "no candy"
formed walls against a world unannounced and uninvited,
a bothersome neighbor forever knocking at her door.


The little girl now seldom thinks of Mary's feet.
She's more concerned with wrinkles beneath her eyes
and her son's face in which she already sees a man.
At nights she prays to anything that may be listening:
"Spirit, God, Angel, Guide,
heal my body so that I might better reveal
my excellence to the world."

I'm yet a thought within her mind,
but growing smaller now.
Soon I'll be a relic of a thought
from some other life sleeping deeper and deeper underground.

The Final Decision

Two months ago, I was still wondering whether I should proceed with dialysis. I really didn't know if I wanted to go through with it. For about a year, whenever a doctor would bring up the subject, I'd say that life is hard enough as it is without a partner, but I sure didn't want to face dialysis alone. The doctor would then press me, asking me what I planned to do. "I am expecting a miracle," I'd reply. "And if that doesn't happen, I'll just die."

Around this time, I had a heart-to-heart with Aaron and told him I really didn't want to do this, that perhaps I'd be better off dead. I saluted and said, "Ready for re-assignment, Sir!"

But then I realized that my re-assignment would be a return to the same assignment. I've lived with chronic illness all my life and damn if I'm going to leave this life and be plopped down in another life of illness! No way! This message came through with such certainty, like a lightening bolt from heaven.

I continue to see myself as healthy and vibrant and strong. I sure as hell would love to manifest this during this lifetime, but I will not be denied in the next because I wouldn't see things through to the end this time around.

I can come up with hundreds of reasons to go on living--everything from sunshine and birdsong to my son, creative ventures, and the hope-springs-eternal possibility of romance. Hundreds of reasons to continue with dialysis. But even if all of these were to vanish, I have my ace in the hole: the card that says, "You can't fold yet."

Thank You, Cousins!

A big thank you to all my cousins in Minnesota who have been sending me loving, supportive e-mails. This means an awful lot to me.

Because I lived in Wisconsin as a child, I didn't get to see my cousins as much as I might have liked to, but the times we did spend together stick out in my mind, especially the annual summer picnic in Ormsby.

As our mothers and fathers grew older and died, our generation didn't continue with the family picnics. Instead, the November foeden party became the new get-together.

I attended my first foeden party this past November and had such a fantastic time. I so enjoyed all my cousins! I made a promise to myself that I would do everything I could to attend every year from here on in.

Right now, travel of any kind seems daunting, but I sure hope to see you all in November. I look forward to receiving in person all the hugs you're e-mailing me now!

Same Weight I Was in High School

A few days ago, I told Dr. Butman that I'm the same weight I was in high school. I was 126 then, and without the two liters (four pounds) I carry inside my peritoneum membrane between exchanges, I would be 126. Right now, with those two liters, I generally weigh in at 131 or 132.

I've probably been carrying around extra fluid for years because, before I went on dialysis, my weight fluctuated from 138 to 155. Extra fluid, of course, put a strain on my heart.

Dr. Butman responded by saying how his patients so often tell him that putting on weight is associated with aging. "But they haven't grown any taller since high school, have they?" he retorted.

Just as with so many things, weight gain is something people don't want to take personal responsibility for; they'd rather make excuses. All I know is that if I, who has exercised so little in the past several years because to do so gave me chest pain and shortness of breath, if I can be the same weight I was in high school, then certainly people who are able to exercise without chest pain can do the same.

Crazy Weight Swings

Yesterday I gained more than seven pounds from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. All I can attribute this to is eating two chicken sausages. Too much salt, resulting in water retention and fluid overload.

Last night I hooked up with one green bag and one red. Green is for when things are stable, and red is for fluid overload. (Yellow is for a dehydrated state.) Generally, I use one green and one yellow, and that keeps me fairly stable. Red is pretty powerful and draws out a lot of fluid and a lot of toxins. This morning I woke up seven pounds lighter.

I'm sure there are those who are reading this and thinking how wonderful it would be to drop seven pounds while you slept. Sounds like something you'd see on an infomercial. Well, let me tell you, it's definitely not the way to go.

First off, it stretches my skin. My belly becomes distended when I'm in fluid overload, and then when it's relieved, the skin is lax. And secondly, that stretching causes my whole body to ache. I just feel tired, worn out, almost beat up after such a swing.

No, folks, the best way to lose weight is to eat right and exercise. Not like this.

**************

Last night, March 16-17, I lost 11.4 pounds. I went to bed at 142.6 and woke up at 131.2. Really don't like how I feel after such a wild swing.

The Desert Personality

"People disappoint, nature never does," a strange and beautiful person once told me. This comment prompted me to write a poem, which follows this entry. Over the years I have often taken an overheard phrase and crafted a whole life around it in a poem, as is the case here.

Though in darker times I have focused on the first part of that sentence, I have been much more acutely aware of the latter half as of late. Each morning when I leave my apartment, I am struck by the beauty of even the most subtle of nature's displays. The sunshine, the flowers in the courtyard, the dew, birdsong. And I think back on my entire life and realize that never once has nature disappointed me. Even the seemingly post-Armageddon desert around Palm Springs has its hidden charm. Yes, every time nature has delighted, if not knocked me over with wonder.

"Why is this?" I thought to myself. I've come up with a few answers:

* I don't expect anything from nature. And because there are no expectations, it never disappoints.

* Nature carries with it such a divine, peaceful feeling of being-ness, whereas human action is so concerned with doing and achieving. The frenetic energy of the latter and the ensuing emotional drama created by all this fussing necessarily result in disappointment for all concerned.

I do realize that some people are disappointed with nature. I met one at Yellowstone National Park in the summer of 2006. Aaron and I were viewing Mammoth Hot Springs when a German tourist voiced his dismay. The colors were not as vibrant as he had expected them to be, the water was not as bubbly as he had wished. Aaron and I both thought this was funny: complaints about grandeur. A definite sign of a "desert personality."

Here now is the poem, written so long ago:



The Desert Personality

“All I want from life is solitude,”
he told me one morning after sex.

“Perhaps I’m invisible,” I thought,
“A non-entity with a mind,
something I strongly suspected as a child.”

There was no bedroom mirror
with which to test my hypothesis.
I realized he wasn’t intentionally hurting me,
since I wasn’t really there after all.
And if I were, perhaps I was an accomplice in his solitude,
someone to share his vision of silence in the dunes.

As it were, all I had were his words
of the disappointment humans had brought him
and the peace only a hermit can know.

He’d made it clear often enough
that he didn’t need me or anyone else.
For years, I pretended the same,
telling myself he was just so much fun,
easy to love, easier to leave.

“Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed,”
he often advised.
Years later, he said he hadn’t meant this to apply to him,
though he was the case with so few exceptions.

A few times he told me about the woman he had loved,
how often he thought of her body,
how much he missed her breasts in his hands.
He’d lived with her for seven years,
something he wouldn’t consider doing now,
since he wanted to be alone,
with his rabbit,
his dog,
his parrot.

We’d spent maybe a month together,
if all the hours were laid end to end.
It’s only right he should want her, I lied to myself,
though a decade had passed
since he had held her breasts in his hands.

I wonder if he’d told her, too,
that all he wanted from life was solitude.

Don't Argue, Don't Reason, Don't Explain

My mother is fast descending into a twilight zone. She is having trouble concentrating and remembering things from moment to moment. Each time I see her, she seems to have gone deeper into the dimness.

One bright spot--really the only bright spot I have seen since she moved to California in January of 2008--is that she's writing in a journal. I bought her a blank journal for Christmas because she was writing bits of her past in the notebook in which she keeps track of doctor visits, upcoming events, and how to do simple tasks like bathing or turning on the heat. I said that she should devote a special place to her writing. Of all the many things I have encouraged her to do, writing seems is the only one she has taken to heart. And encourage it I do. I tell her that this is a great way to keep her mind involved.

Now when we get together, she asks if I'd like to hear her read from her journal. This helps tremendously, since her conversational skills have really deteriorated. Once I have asked her how she is and what she did during the week, she falls silent. This way, with her journal, she reads aloud to me and I ask her questions about what she's written, ask her to fill in details, and she makes notes in the journal that she says she'll flesh out later.

Last Sunday we sat in a coffeehouse while she ate a slice of cheesecake and read aloud of threshing cooperatives and her high school days. She wrote that she and her friend drove her brother Max's car to the last six weeks of high school, as he was serving overseas.

This didn't add up. My mom was born in 1921, which would mean that she graduated from high school in 1939. And she collaborated that, saying that she began her college classes at Gustavus Adolphus in the fall of 1939. So I asked if Max had joined the service prior to Pearl Harbor. She said, no, that he had served in 1944. I wondered how he could have given her his car to use if he hadn't gone overseas for another five years. She didn't understand.

I drew a timeline with her birth, her high school years, Pearl Harbor, and Max's service. She still didn't understand that high school and Max's absence weren't concurrent.

I said that this would be like me saying that Aaron had given me a beautiful Mother's Day gift while I was in high school, but Aaron hadn't been born yet. She didn't understand, but she knew she wasn't understanding something that she should have understood. When I realized this, it was too late. She was already near tears.

I felt so badly for her in that moment. She must be aware that she's slipping, but doesn't know what to do.

I need to remember what the UCI Medical Center psychologist told me about dementia: A-R-E. Don't argue, don't reason, don't explain.

From here on in, I will simply listen to her read, maybe ask a few questions. But if she has trouble answering them, I need simply say, "Please, Mom, read more."

Rogue Waves

Gerard d'Aboville, who rowed across the Pacific in 1990, writes of brushes with death that blindsided him in his account of his journey, "Alone." Times when the weather was good and the ocean was calm, and then a wave comes out of nowhere, and he nearly loses his life.

I, too, have had some rogue-wave experiences lately, most recently Wednesday night.

I had been going along, feeling fine, blood sugar and blood pressure under control. Then a rouge wave struck. I tested my blood sugar, and it was 599. Normal is 70-120. I haven't seen a number like this in I don't know how long. I gave myself a bolus of insulin, then tested again in an hour. By then it was off the scale, somewhere above 600. More insulin, then more and more and more. Still 600. Finally, at 4 a.m., my blood tested at 199. High, but acceptable. In total, I had taken 52 units of insulin to bring my blood sugar down, more insulin than I usually take in two days. During the night, I had experienced chest pain and pressure, due to the high blood glucose, and severe leg cramps and nausea. All day yesterday I felt like I had been beaten up, hit by a rogue wave.

Today the seas are once again calm, and so I am at ease--until the next brush with death.